Approaching a man at a bar,
Seyi Kolade had only one thing on her mind as she chatted with the stranger -
sex. Within hours the pair were in bed together and she was delighted at how
her evening had panned out.
And this was not a chance
encounter, for Seyi was a sex addict and it was what she did almost every day
for 13 years. Last night she said: “Sex addiction took hold of my life.”
Seyi, 35, was just 17 when
she became dependent on sleeping with men. By 19 she'd had 40 partners and she
says she has bedded a shocking total of 370 men.
Her dangerous addiction led
her to a life of destruction - catching sexually transmitted infections, being
evicted from her home and having two terminations.
By the age of 30, Seyi had
hit rock bottom and needed help. Today, after attending numerous sex addiction
meetings and 12-step programmes, Seyi has been celibate for four years and is
helping others like her.
She explains says: “Sex
addiction is something people associate with men, but it took hold of my life
for more than 13 years.
“It was a craving and a fear
of how I’d feel if I couldn’t get it.
“Once I did, it was a huge
relief, like a weight was lifted.
“It’s like any addiction. It
made me selfish, self-destructive and depressed but it was a cycle I couldn’t
escape.”
She adds: “I lost my
virginity when I was 13 with my first boyfriend.
“I was shocked when I fell
pregnant. I gave birth when I was 14. It was a very difficult time.”
Social services arranged a
nanny to look after her daughter, Sarah, from six weeks old.
Being a young mum scarred
Seyi’s childhood. She says: “I moved out of home when I was 16 with Sarah and
lived in a mother and baby unit. I felt terribly lonely. I craved affection, I
was miserable.”
Moving into a housing
association home at 17, Seyi met then-boyfriend Paul, 31.
It was now that she began to
use sex to replace her feelings of loneliness.
She says: “When I started
having sex with my boyfriend I thought it was the answer and would stop me
feeling so lonely. But it wasn’t enough.”
Going to bars, Seyi, from
Birmingham, cheated on Paul at least once a week with strangers or men she
would meet regularly.
She says: “I needed sex and
afterwards it was a relief. When I couldn’t have sex my confidence would
plummet, I felt ugly and went into a spiral of upset and frustration, feeling
unworthy and needing another fix as soon as possible.”
Seyi fell pregnant at 17
with son, Andrew. She says: “I told Paul it was his although there was some
doubt in my mind. After I gave birth I tried to stay faithful. I wanted sex
with him four to five times a day, but the attention from him wasn’t enough.
“When the pent-up sexual
frustration became too much, I’d go elsewhere and get validation through sex.
“I cheated on him three
times in six months, then fell pregnant again.”
Devastated and unable to
look after another child, Seyi made the decision to have her baby terminated.
She says: “It wasn’t fair on
the child to have them. I didn’t know whose baby it was so I didn’t tell Paul.
I wanted our relationship to work but we split up when I was 19.”
Seyi’s heartbreak made her
sex addiction go wild. She says: “The only cure for my loneliness was sex. I
had five guys I could meet with for sex when I wanted and was also sleeping
with strangers. I’d go to bars and easily pick one up. Being good in bed made
me feel worthy.”
By 22 Seyi had caught chlamydia
twice. Going out almost every night while her children were looked after by
friends and family, all she could think about was sex.
She says: “Between the ages
of 22 to 30, life was a blur, my addiction had taken over.
“I was sleeping with five to
six men, or meeting strangers for sex at bars weekly. I fell pregnant again at
26. I felt I had no choice but to have a termination. I got drunk and had sex
After the procedure.
“I don’t know how I managed
to keep my job as a management consultant. I took lots of sick days when I
craved sex and couldn’t face the office. I even slept with a colleague.
“I was evicted for not
paying rent when I was 29 and had to send my children to live with my family.”
While staying with a friend
Seyi saw the documentary The Secret, about the laws of attraction. She says: “I
knew I had a problem but never stopped to think about being a sex addict. I
realised I needed help.”
After quitting her job to
concentrate on her recovery Seyi, then 31, went to an addiction meeting.
She says: “There were six
others there and when I listened to their stories it cured my nerves. I didn’t
stop craving sex straight away but cut down slowly.” Since August 2009 she has
been celibate.
She says: “I’m so proud of
myself. I’ve craved sex but the programme lets me know the trigger signs.
“I don’t plan on having sex
any time soon. If the right guy comes along and I feel I’m in a stable, loving
relationship, I’d feel safe to do it. I have my children back living with me
and feel I’m no longer a sex addict.
“I’d hate to think where my
life would be now if I hadn’t sought help.”
Despite her recovery, Seyi
lives with the guilt of her addiction. She says: “I could have passed on STIs,
I had two terminations and my kids didn’t have the attention they deserved.
“I’ve now trained as an
inspirational speaker and happiness advocate. At workshops and seminars I can
help others understand what sex addiction is, where it comes from and recovery.
“Being celibate has given me
my life back. I want to help others do the same.”
Source: The Sun UK
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